I Had My Reasons

I used to claim that I didn’t need to go to church.  God is everywhere, right?  And there exist a multitude of ways to connect with God.  Therefore, I have no need for church.  Or, at least, that is what I told myself.

But, truth be told, walking into my church renews me.  The music centers me, brings me to myself and to God.  I can’t always stay 100% in the moment.  Sometimes my mind wanders during the sermon.  Or I find myself off on a tangent, analyzing this or that.  But, when I force myself to focus, to listen, I know that God is there in that place.  And the collective experience of worship is what makes it holy.  We need each other, to love each other, to honor God in the way we treat each other.

I need church.  I am not my best self without it.  I remembered that today.

 

Love & Compassion

Perhaps, if we shrug off all the pretenses, we can begin to see each other as human beings first and foremost.  Within all of us, there exists a desire to truly be seen, heard and valued.  As I plow through each day, running about and getting stuff done, I try to remember that my fellow human beings deserve my love and compassion… just as much as I deserve to be loved.  Slowing down can be difficult; but truly connecting with someone reminds me why my time on this earth is valuable… and that sure has nothing to do with how much stuff I can accomplish in a given day.

Share

Here is my share from tonight’s AA meeting that I didn’t actually get to share because someone decided to ramble on for TEN minutes about everything in her life (almost all of which was off topic).

SERENITY NOW!

Anyway:

Fear and projection.  Yeah, I am familiar.  I have had panic attacks since I was 14.  If you haven’t had one, you really should try it.  Feels like you are dying… sometimes I can’t even feel my hands.  The absolute terror that these panic attacks invoke is devastating.  And then, after it subsides, I get afraid that I will have another one… and I project all of the awful scenarios that could go down.  And I begin to fear them… but fear is what triggers a panic attack in the first place.  So, it quickly becomes a cycle that is very hard to break.

I never really dealt with the panic attacks before… they went away on their own when I went to college, and then drinking made them stay away for the most part.  So I guess I could be pretty pissed that, after a year being sober, they are back in full force.  But, really it is kind of a blessing to be able to confront them head on, sober.  To really deal with the issue, instead of running away from it.  But, if I am being honest, the panic attacks make me want to run away from everything, to hide out in my house until they go away.  And then I start projecting that maybe they will get so bad that I will never get to leave my house…  Fun times.

And then I have to turn it over to God.  Because I am totally backed in a corner.  In the grip of a panic attack, I can’t do anything else but turn it over.  And breathe deeply.  So, I keep doing the things I have to do, even though the most basic things (like standing up in front of my class to teach) can cause an attack.  And, if it happens, I breathe through it, ask God for help and carry on.  It is like my own built in 11th step… conscious contact, baby.

I know this will pass.  And I know I am learning from the experience.  But the learning is exhausting lately.

Thanks for letting me share.

Just Please Don’t Call Him HP

At a meeting this week, folks were discussing how they refer to their Higher Power.

One lady said she was really uncomfortable with the idea of God when she came into the program, so she referred to her Higher Power as G.U.S. (the Guy UpStairs).

An older guy shared and then said, “Oh, my Higher Power’s  name is Howard.”  People glanced around, trying to figure out what the hell this guy was talking about.  “You know,” he said, “Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.”

May Howard offer you rich blessings and a kick ass weekend.  Happy Friday!