Posted tagged ‘loss’

Pea + Monkito = True Love 4ever

January 18, 2010

Monkito completely stole my heart when I met her.  Sappy, yet true.  Regardless of which version of “the meeting” I were to tell you (long or short), it becomes immediately apparent that I was a smitten kitten from the beginning.  I always had that heart-skipping excitement when I thought about her.  I wanted her–her time, her attention, her affection–and I knew that we belonged together.

I was right.  Totally dig when I am right.

But the crazy part is that, almost 6 and 1/2 years after she first asked me if I wanted to make out outside of a dive bar in Tampa (it was her way of saying she liked me–it was endearing, really), I am more intrigued by her, more delightfully in love with her than I ever imagined possible.

The past two weeks have been tough on Monkito and I.  Losing Blat meant losing a dream that had brought us closer together.  Honestly, I was afraid that our hurt and frustration would drive a wedge between us.

Instead, she has shown me that I can rely on her when my hope has flagged…she makes me laugh… she makes me forget, for a while at least, that this hurts.  She asks the right questions.  She listens to my rants.  She searches for the right thing to do (and, against all odds, she seems to find it).

She surprises me.  Just when I thought I couldn’t love her any more than I already do, she gives me yet another reason to fall for her all over again.

I am a lucky girl.  Truly.

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Waiting It Out

January 15, 2010

I took the drugs to prompt my body to begin the miscarriage process about 4 hours ago.  Actually taking the drugs felt like a monumental decision.  I am not sure quite why.  The pregnancy is over.  I guess the administration of the drugs was the final acknowledgement that Blat is gone.

Aside from my laying on the couch while the cramps come and go, Monkito and I have spent the evening enthralled in Battlestar Gallactica.  Brilliant diversion. Fraking brilliant.

And in other news, I almost lost my mind when I realized that our mop is nowhere to be found.  A dog peed on the floor, and I HAVE NO MOP.  (can you see how close we came to a meltdown there?)  Fortunately, Monkito saved the day once again by picking  up a mop on her way to fetch the pizza.  Thank God for Monkito.

While I am being thankful, I want to send a shout out (do the kids even say that any more?) to my baby sister, who visited last night, and to my best friend and her partner, who are flying in tomorrow.  Monkito and I feel loved and supported during this otherwise rather shitty time.  And for that we are most grateful.

Sad News

January 14, 2010

Unfortunately, Wednesday’s trip to the doctor confirmed our fears:  I miscarried at just past 6 weeks (I am now 7 weeks into the pregnancy).  I truly feel grateful that a week beforehand I was told that this was a possibility.  Most people find out that they have miscarried out of the blue.  I had some time to begin to grasp the loss before it was even confirmed.  So, although the last week was tough, it somehow eased the shock of finding out Blat was gone.

My body doesn’t realize that the pregnancy has ended, however.  Instead of doing a D&C, my doctor opted to prescribe misoprostol to chemically enduce my body to begin the miscarriage process.  I won’t make you Google it; I will just tell you that misoprostol is RU-486 (the chemical abortion pill).  I had two feelings when I realized this:  1) an irrational indignation (I am not ABORTING my baby.  I MISCARRIED), and 2) gratitude that activist fought so hard to make this drug legal.  I do not want to have to go through a surgical procedure.  I just  had a D&C over the summer (to remove endomitriosis during a procedure to remove a cyst from my ovary).  Thankfully, if the drug works as it should, I will be spared that whole process again.

Folks close to me want to know how I feel.  At this point, I don’t really know how I feel.  I am not angry.  I don’t feel like God took something from me (I don’t believe God is like that).  I am definitely sad.  I believe that there was probably a chromosomal reason that Blat couldn’t continue on his journey (although I will never know for sure).  I know that I already miss Blat.  I totally fell in love with this first baby that was ours:  mine & Monkito’s.  Blat represented a year and a half of dreams becoming reality.  But Blat also leaves a legacy of hope:  I know I can get pregant now.  I have hope (maybe for the first time since we began trying) that we WILL have a baby.  And I know Monkito and I can face a loss together, supporting each other.  Those are tremendous gifts to bring in only six short weeks of life.

So, yes, I am sad.  But I am glad that Blat was ours, at least for a little while.