Overwhelmed

Once again, I seriously underestimated the impact of outside events—events completely beyond my control—on my psyche.

Last week, the sinking feeling of disappointment started pushing its way in when I almost lost my shit when a student acted disinterested in class.  Uh.  Yeah, they are 18.  Acting uninterested is their job.  So, I began to realize that I was PMSing.

This PMS, in and of itself, would not be heart-breaking.  Except that we are trying to get pregnant.  So, in fact, PMS takes on a new dimension of ugly when it also means that you are not at all closer to bringing a child that you want into the world.

When my buddy JD asked me, at dinner with all of our groovy grad school friends, if I was visualizing becoming pregnant, I almost burst into tears.  Because I knew, even if I couldn’t admit it out loud, that I was not pregnant.

Friday morning, five minutes before my first class of the day was about to begin, I discovered I was bleeding.  This timing was a blessing and a curse… I couldn’t cry and get all worked up about my disappointment, because I had to lead my favorite 18 year olds in a class discussion.  But that also meant that I didn’t really deal with how much it hurt that I was still not pregnant.

And then Saturday arrived… Toddler Birthday Party Day.  Monkito and I had two birthday parties to attend.  Both of the strapping young lads were turning one.  You see where this is going, don’t you?  Good.  Yeah, I did not see where it was going.  I did not admit, even for a minute in the recesses of my mind, that it would shred my soul to see all of the young parents (younger than Monkito and I, for the most part), with their babies, laughing and talking about how many children they would like to have.

What. The. Fuck.  Do you know how many I want?  One.  I want one.  I want one now, goddamn it.

And suddenly it hit me, full force, that I don’t have a child.  That I am not pregnant.  That I have no control over when or how soon I get pregnant.  And I was overwhelmed by the helplessness and the sadness that accompanies such a revelation.

I am still a bit overwhelmed.

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