Checking In

When I worked for the Department of Education, I used to get to travel on occasion.  Not that I was a jet-setter, by any means.  I never even got to stray from Florida.  But I did get to stay overnight in hotels throughout the state.  Walking into a hotel room, seeing everything just so… knowing that the room was mine for the evening…the rooms always held such promise.  Being there meant that I could do whatever I wanted for the evening.  I didn’t have to answer to anyone or meet anyone’s expectations.  I could simply be alone.

My hunger to be alone should have alerted me to the fact that something might not be right at home.  I still need time alone now… but I am free to take that time whenever I choose.  I don’t have to make up excuses or justifications for my desire for solitude.  But I did then.  So, when I went out of town, I would sort of hide out in my hotel room.  Even if I visited a city where I had friends to party with, I most often stayed in my hotel room, took a bath and read a book.

None of this would be  relevant at all, if my desire for solitude hadn’t been a harbinger of the impending cataclysmic breakup.  I was slowly smothering.  So was she, I guess.  Because shortly after the hotel-hideout stage, I was kicking in the door to a bedroom my girlfriend had locked me out of… and that stellar showing soon devolved into a 6 month blackout that is still a gaping hole in my memory.

I spent years after we broke up resenting the hell out of her for leaving me.  But what I really resented was the fact that I didn’t leave first, even though I wasn’t happy.  Now I just look back on the whole fucked up mess and wonder why I didn’t know myself well enough to see that something had to change.  The memory serves as a reminder that I need to check in to my reality every day, not just embrace the path of least resistence.

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2 Comments on “Checking In”

  1. Jeff Bales Says:

    It also says a lot about me since how I found your blog is searching on the word “solitude”.

    I working on the subject of solitude, self imposed and part of who I am, whilst looking on Facebook for high school friends that vanished 30 years ago.

    Friends that are friends simply because we were in the same building for 3 years. Nothing more, nothing less.

  2. Miss Kris Says:

    I often have to remind myself to check my reality every day, too. Especially now. Solitude is so important.

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