Know-It-All

I hate to admit that I don’t know. I want to have all the answers, to have my life figured out. It is difficult for me to ask for help because that means weakness, vulnerability.

This is a stupid outlook on life. Seriously.

Clearly, I don’t know everything. It surely was not good decision-making and incredible coping skills that landed me in AA at 33. So, I am going to take this opportunity to admit what has probably been obvious all along: I don’t know everything.

(But I do know most things.)

Another fascinating tidbit that I have recently discovered about myself: I seem to find something glamorous about being slightly damaged. If I am no longer drinking, I no longer have the obvious tragic flaw. Now I am forced to actually be complex, to have ideas and thoughts to present to the world, instead of presenting my flaw and demanding that people be intrigued.

I feel relatively certain that my closest friends did not find my drinking darkly mysterious or tragically endearing. But self-perception is often a long way from reality. And when Step 6 says, “Became entirely ready for God to remove all of these defects of character” this clinging to familiar, albeit destructive, behaviors is exactly the hesitation that they thought this step might run up against.

I don’t need to be tragic, or dark and complex, to be interesting. Hell, I’d probably do fine just being myself… once I figure out who that really is.

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