It seems a cruel twist of fate when painful memories of a place can completely obscure the laughter and love also inhabited that place. Tallahassee is like that for me. The towering oaks, the rolling hills… it is all so familiar. But it brings back a tightness in my chest, an ache, that I find almost unbearable. I get homesick for Tallahassee, but too much time there brings up unanswered questions about who I am and the decisions I have made. I begin to feel unsettled…and a feeling reminiscent of grief casts a pall over the happy memories that attempt to surface.

Maybe there are too many reminders of who I was when I was there… selfish, childish, wildly out of control. But those circumstances have changed. Even the people who I feared would take pleasure in reminding me of the mess I made of my life have changed, moved on, chosen to forget, or simply forgiven me. I wonder why I struggle to do the same.

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